Remodeling This Life

Last night, as we finished up our dinner, I looked over at my daughter and told her I have a surprise for her when she’s done with her meal. She loves surprises. You could tell her that you have a surprise for her and then put brussel sprouts in front of her and she’d be happy and eat them. So she was a little bit excited. She thinks it’s great that there is a surprise, but she always wants me to spoil it right away. “What is it? What is my surprise?” I told her she had to be patient and finish her food and then I’d show her.

She quickly gobbled up her tilapia and broccoli and I told her to put her shoes on, we were going for a walk. She did and we headed out the door together, full of questions “Where are we going? Are we just going for a walk? What are we doing?”

As we headed out the front walk, she clutched my hand, her tiny fingers woven between mine. She squeezed hard and started walking quickly in anticipation. As we walked, hand in hand, with her floppy sunhat flapping in the breeze, I settled into my stride and smiled quietly. More chatter from her. “Oh, mommy, this is SO fun! I love mommy time!” As we strode down our street toward the end, I asked her if she knew what we were doing and she very quietly and hopefully replied, “Are we going for ice cream?” and looked at me with her big eager eyes while I slowly nodded.

She picked up her pace and kept doing little 3 year old shouts of glee as we got closer to the ice cream shoppe. We walked up to the window and she ordered what she wanted all by herself and then I ordered mine. “What’s taking so long? Where’s my ice cream? Are we going to sit right here at these picnic tables and eat together?” Finally, our ice creams were ready and I paid before we chose a big red picnic table to sit at.

My beautiful daughter and I sat next to each other quietly eating our ice cream, occasionally stopping to ask the other how their’s tasted. Then, so fleeting, but to last a lifetime, she leaned over to me, put her hand around my arm and said “Thank you so much for taking me out to get ice cream. I love you so much, mommy.”

We finished our ice cream as I wiped tears from my eyes, thinking about how quickly moments like these will be gone. The days of glee over ice cream and hand holding with my daughter will slip all too fast away from me. As we got to the street to walk the couple blocks back home, she started to run ahead. Little feet going as fast as they could, hat flapping in the wind, shrieks of laughter as she hollered to me to catch up. I didn’t want to catch up. I wanted to watch her run. As much as I don’t want her to ever get away from me, I can’t help but love every ounce of her independent spirit. I let her get a bit ahead and then I ran to catch up. As we raced along beside each other and waved to neighbors, I hoped we’d never get home. I hoped we’d just keep running side by side and giggling forever.

Today is mine and hubby’s 8th wedding anniversary. Hubby called this morning bright and early from work to chat, say happy anniversary, tell me how fabulous I am and how lucky he is. Okay, he didn’t really say that last part but I know he was thinking it.

He said something during that conversation to the effect of “You probably wish you could take back some parts of the past 8 years”. I know he was referring mostly to our not so great 2006 and his depression. It made me realize that he probably truly does think I wish I could delete that stuff from our life together, to be able to look back on 8 years of marriage and have it all be sunshine and roses.

What he doesn’t know is that I wouldn’t change any of it for anything in the world. The way we learn is through experiencing things, making mistakes, facing challenges and defeating them. A lot of things seem not so great as they are happening but once you come out on the other side and can look back and see the blessing that it was, it changes you. Without going through those things together, I might not have found the place within myself to appreciate what really matters in life. I might not have taken the time to slow down and see how much I was missing in life. I might still be taking for granted the people in my life who love me.

Would I take back our bad year if I could? No. Maybe if I did, I’d be able to say how fabulously wonderful and in love we have always been. I can’t say that. Is that depressing? Maybe to some, but not to me. It’s honest. It’s not earth shattering or heartbreaking to me that my hubby told me just a couple weeks ago that he’s finally feeling really settled, really happy and really in love with me again. Some may gasp at that, but not me. It’s not like I needed him to say that he had lost that for a while for it to be true. I knew it. But just as love can be stifled and hidden by depression, love can also shine through on the other side and now it is.

I don’t expect my life to be perfect and have no bumps in the road. I’d be setting myself up for heartbreak and failure if that was my expectation. I know there will be many more imperfect moments, many more times of sadness and loss and pain. That makes me more appreciative of right now, in this moment that things are really really good. My marriage is strong, my family is stable, we’re financially secure. I don’t doubt I’ll see more bumps ahead in the coming years. What I do expect of myself is to face those challenges ahead positively and with strength. That is the part I can control - how I respond to what life hands me - I can make sure I learn from it and I can keep a smile on my face through it, knowing always how fortunate I am to have what I do.

So on this anniversary, we’re not doing anything fancy to celebrate. We’re just doing what feels right and concentrating on what really matters - that we’re here, together,looking forward to tomorrow.

On Saturday morning, hubby and I did something that I have balked at for a while now, hesitant to have part of my family’s life. We bought a playground for the backyard. My daughter has been begging for a tire swing for a while now and it’s been taking hubby a very long time because he’s just had other things he’s been working on and whatever. Hubby has kept his eye on Craigslist for a playground, but even used, they were all pretty pricey. I didn’t want to drop nearly $2K on something that would make my yard look like a park instead of a private residence. I just wasn’t sold on the whole idea. I can just take my kids to the playground and I DO take my kids to the playground A LOT.

Saturday morning hubby and my daughter were up early so she sat on his lap at the computer and they looked at Craigslist. And found one. A good price. Not ginormous and gaudy like I was afraid of. Just perfect. And they formulated their plan. Hubby took both kids to the beach early that morning so I could sleep in. I woke up and drank coffee in peace on my new patio. I enjoyed peace and quiet and finished one of my sewing projects. I was really relaxed and full of happiness when hubby and the kids came home from the beach and they tossed the idea at me of getting this playground.

So I said yes.

While hubby drove an hour to meet my dad where it was located to pick it up and then an hour home to set it up - through a blowout tire on the trailer carrying the playground on 95, I waiting patiently in the front yard for the truck to pull up with the “surprise”. They set it up quickly and before the last bolts were in place, the kids were climbing on it and in little kid nirvana.

My daughter has never said “thank you” so many times or “I love it!” so many times. She couldn’t be pulled off of it on Saturday and there were instances of whining like “but I will miss my playground and will dream about my playground” and then there was “My tummy hurts! I think it will feel better if I go play on my playground!” Creative, that one is. Yesterday, both kids had to be carried inside to take naps because they were both unstoppable and playing on it under the influence of tired. It would be an understatement to say it’s been a hit.

And so, I say, it was worth it. I eat my words. A playground in the yard is fun. The playground in our yard is perfect. Not to mention now I don’t have to pay for gas to the playground numerous times per week anymore. And I can wear my jammies while they play

There is one thing that I have learned from my mother-in-law through seeing how she treats her children and that is to do them the favor of saying no. This is one of those situations where you learn a lesson by seeing something done one way and having it turn out so badly that you learn not to ever do it that way yourself. My mother-in-law does not know how to say no. To her children, strangers, a cashier, to a waiter, to her children, to anyone. If someone asks her to do something, offers her something or worst of all asks her for things that cost her money, she will - every single time - say yes.

The most obvious way this comes up is that she cannot say no to her 3 daughters. They have 12 years of college classes and not a degree in sight, trips to Europe, houses, cars, expensive clothes - anything you could think of that 3 girls who have never been told no would ask for and major (and serious, sad) issues to go along with it. It’s really sad to see because from the outside, it’s pretty obvious that some boundaries from early on would have done them all some good. She’s done a disservice to herself and to her daughters by lacking the ability to hold onto what is hers.

I think a lot of it has to do with her own desire for people to see that she *can* buy them the things they want. Saying no might imply not that she has boundaries, but that she can’t afford it. And that would be bad. Wouldn’t want anyone to not *know* you have the means to pay for a trip to Europe.

Now that I have children of my own that are learning and exploring and testing limits and asking questions and asking for me to buy them things, I find myself thinking of my mother-in-law more and more. I don’t want children who don’t know how to be told no. I don’t want a daughter who says nobody loves her if she doesn’t get enough presents under the Christmas tree when she is 21 years old. I want children who know that I love them and know that I like to do things for them but also know that there are limits. I want my children to understand that part of the excitement and thrill of taking trips and buying things you want and having things you like is working hard for them yourself so you can take satisfaction in that. I want them to learn what an earned dollar is. I want them to learn where it comes from, and that money is earned not just handed over.

Whether it is $2 or $2,000,000 - it doesn’t matter if I have the means to pay for it for you or not. It’s about limits and boundaries. My 3 year old is just beginning to understand the cost of things. She’s starting to look at price tags and see the differences between prices in clothing and toys and food and even gas. But this is all new. Until now, she had no clue if something she was asking for cost $1 or $100. So if I said yes to every $1 thing she asked for just because I had a dollar in my wallet, all I am teaching her is that she gets whatever she asks for.

Taking the cost of items out of the equation and making it more of a lesson in limits and teaching that simply because we want something and can afford it does NOT mean we buy it is so important. We can save our money for something that we may prefer to have more, we can think about whether or not we really have to have the item and how useful it is going to be to our life if we do buy it. We can talk about the fact that we have a lot of things very similar to it so adding one more is not something we need to do with our money right now just because she likes it and I can afford it.

I know it’s not simple. I expect many battles ahead and many “you don’t love me” proclamations when I don’t give in to their every whim. I am not trying to buy my children’s love though. That would get very expensive. I just know that when they’re older, they’ll respect and appreciate it and we’ll all be glad they aren’t 20 and 30 somethings that go to mom with the sugary sweet voice and batting eyelashes when they want something. I want to do things for my children as they grow because *I* want to - not because they guilt me into it or because I am trying to prove myself as a person with the cash to say yes. I want to provide for my kids, of course. I want to enjoy buying them things and surprising them, giving them gifts to make them smile. But I plan to teach them what hard work, saving, delayed gratification, and financial priorities are also.

Other posts from around the web that address this same topic and issue are

How I Taught My Preschooler The Value Of A Dollar at Being Frugal
Teaching Preschoolers About Money and Formulating An Allowance Plan For Our Almost Four Year Old at Paid Twice
Life Is One Big Chore at This Wasn’t In The Plan

I dare you to go see this video about mother’s day and not cry. Dare you!

So today is my 4th mother’s day. 4 years ago, I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of my amazing daughter. I never ever at that time had any idea what motherhood was truly going to bring me. Years of sleepless nights, tears of worry and joy, profound moments of peace and happiness and sheer exhilaration, frustration, patience, appreciation and wonder.

Since becoming a mother, I have gained a greater respect for who my mom was when I was a child and who she is today. I cannot think of another person who comes even close to how amazing my mother is to me in my life. She has lived an inspiring life of struggle and pain and shown strength beyond my imagination to become the inspiring woman she is today. I love her, cherish her, admire her and love her so much. To my mom, on this Mother’s Day and everyday, I love you.

Mom, you are a loving and attentive grandma, aka Gigi

And to you two little monkeys who call me mom - I can’t say enough about how much you’ve changed my life for the better. There is so much more to worry about in this world when I have two kids to raise and try to teach. You make my days brighter, moments happier, and make me a better person everyday through the little lessons that your little minds teach. I can’t say enough how much you both mean to me and how much I absolutely adore you both. When I think of the way you both see me, as MOM, it’s daunting to face the challenge of meeting your needs and fulfilling your lives. You both make me a better woman, a better mom, a better friend, a better wife, each and everyday and I am thrilled at the thought of so many more days in our lives together, watching you grow and learn.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there!